A Season of Contradictions

With Imbolc signaling the first stirrings of Spring, I’m reflecting on Winter and what that means in this time of my life. As you may have noticed, I haven’t written in this blog since the end of November. This post will explain why, and also why Winter is not a great time for me, and how I hope to change that.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have always been attuned to the seasons and the earth’s cycles, and this is the time of year when I want to hibernate as many animals do. I want to go dormant like many plants and trees do. But alas, this is the season of contradictions for me. There is no peace, rest, or reflection. There is only the stress, social obligations, and obligatory consumerism of the November and December holidays. Then, while I’m still recovering from that, the busiest time of the year at my place of work starts as soon as the new year starts in January. I’m not just talking about days that are more busy. I’m talking 12 hour days, 6 days a week, and still not being able to get everything done. Sure, it’s great to have that income boost from all the overtime, but it’s a one-way ticket to burnout town. This continues until around April every year. The months of November through March are usually horrible for my mental health. Once March rolls around, things are starting to slow down a bit at work, I can see and feel that Spring is in full effect, and I start getting that burst of Awen that I wrote about last spring in my post “Spring: Too Much Awen?“.

How I currently experience Winter is in opposition to how I feel that I should experience Winter. I feel that Winter should be a time when we slow down, conserve energy, reflect on the previous year, and start preparing and thinking about the year to come. I feel that it should be a time for deep shadow work and introspection. As it is, there is too much going on and I become too overwhelmed to slow down and do any of this. I expect the change in the weather and shortening of days to affect my mood and make me depressed, but I would be better equipped to deal with it and embrace my emotions if I didn’t have as many other obligations. I imagine it’s similar for most people who work a full time job, or maybe multiple, or who have many other obligations during winter time.

I have started to make some lifestyle changes lately that have been helping my mental health and keeping my energy up so that I’m not as drained after a long day of work. Yes, they basically boil down to diet and exercise which I’m sure you’ve heard a million times before, but hear me out. I’ve started intermittent fasting, originally as a weight loss method, but it turns out this is how my digestive system prefers for me to eat. I stop eating for the day at around 7pm (no more midnight snacks for me!) and I don’t eat anything the next day until lunch time, which is anywhere from 11:30 am to noon. I’ve always been a breakfast person, so at first, skipping breakfast was difficult. But now I just eat what I would normally eat for breakfast at lunch time so that I don’t miss out on any tasty breakfast foods. For the exercise, that one was definitely a challenge because of my joint hypermobility and instability. But after some physical therapy and gradually increasing the amount of walks I take, it became easier. I also utilize tools to motivate me to keep up with the exercise and other good habits because, ya know, ADHD. I use the gamified to-do list and habit tracker Habitica (formerly Habit RPG), a gamified/virtual marathon app, the Conqueror Challenge, and Co-Pilot, which is pricey but worth it because it comes with a personal trainer to keep you accountable and make personalized workout programs for you. I have definitely felt a difference with the diet and exercise, but another key component is making more time for my Druid studies, meditation, and journaling. The journaling is especially helpful when I’m feeling frustrated or burnt out and need to just vent and get stuff out.

During my meditations and the small amount of downtime I have, I’ve been thinking about ways to work toward changing this part of my life that I’m not happy with, which is the fact that my Winters are so hectic. One major change that would go the furthest towards changing this is to get a new job that doesn’t have a busy season during this time of year. I have found a potential job that would be a good fit for me and I’ve applied. I’ve bounced around from job to job so much in the past and I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to be very selective of what jobs I apply for because I don’t want to get into the situation where I’m unhappy and want to quit again. As I’m applying to a few select jobs, I’m also looking into possibly going back to school to get into a field that would put me closer to nature. I plan on getting my California Naturalist certification in April of this year, and I’m hoping that the skills learned in that course and the subsequent volunteer activities that I’ll be doing with it will help guide me in the right direction.

I’ve also been working on things that I can do now. One idea that I’m working on is planning a “working retreat”, or at least that’s what I’m calling it for now. Since I can’t unplug completely and go on a full retreat because I have to work, I’d like to plan a week or maybe even start with just a day or two at a time, where the only electronic device use permitted is work related and for playing music. Outside of that, I would be unplugged. No social media, no TV, no video games, and lots of meditation, art, and journaling. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it, but I’m going to give it a try. And maybe I’ll write about it here when I’m done!

Yours under the sleeping Blue Oak and a Winter Full Moon,

/|\ Kendria

Header image by Kerstin Riemer.

Using an Outdated Classroom Tool to Hack my Brain Into Writing More

Part of learning to live with ADHD, with or without medications, is figuring out what your roadblocks are, and figuring out solutions or what I sometimes call “hacks” to remove those roadblocks or at least turn them into manageable speedbumps.

So today I am trying something new to hack my brain into being productive and doing what I want it to do. The problem? I need to write more (as you can probably tell by the fact that I haven’t made a new post in a few months). I need to write more in my druid journal, in my personal journal, and in this blog. So here I am, typing on a digital typewriter, in hopes that this will help get my thoughts out into words, someplace outside of my brain. So far I’m really liking it! I like how simple it is, and the fact that I can do this while laying in bed – which I currently am.

You may be wondering what the heck I’m talking about. What’s a digital typewriter? How is that going to help? Well, here’s a bit of backstory about what I’m using and why.

I usually put off journaling and blogging for many reasons:

  1. I don’t like to sit in front of a computer any more than I have to. I do that all day for work, so more sitting in front of a computer after that just does not sound like fun.
  2. I don’t like to type on my phone or tablet because it’s awkward and not the easiest way to type. Even though I use the swipe typing method, it’s still pretty awkward overall.
  3. I love handwritten journals for journaling, but I’m starting to develop arthritis in my hands, so it’s becoming more and more difficult and painful.
  4. I don’t do well with voice-to-text because my brain doesn’t work that way and I can’t think good with the voice and the words making out loud. I can organize my thoughts much better visually.

The solution? A digital typewriter. It’s basically just a keyboard with a small, very minimal screen. These were mainly used in schools back in the nineties and early 2000s, then became pretty much obsolete once laptop computers became more common and affordable. The one I’m using is an AlphaSmart Neo2, and it’s got a basic monochrome LCD screen that only shows 4 lines of text at a time about 45 characters wide. It can save up to 8 “files” at a time, but they’re only files for the purpose of the machine’s internal storage. The text doesn’t show up as files on your computer. How it works is you plug the AlphaSmart into your computer via a USB cable, open up whatever program you want the text to go into (MS Word, for example), then click the “Send” button. It then acts as an emulated keyboard and types the stuff you wrote into the Word document, text file, blog post, or any other places where you can put text. It can take a while to send the full file, especially if it’s very long, but the main goal is to remove the complications and barriers to writing and encourage you to just write something, dammit! You can free write all you want, then send it wherever you need to and edit it later.

I know I probably sound like an infomercial or paid promotion, but the model I’m using is outdated and discontinued, so I highly doubt the company is paying anyone to promote these (especially since the company is now defunct). Sure, there’s a newer model coming out based on this one, but it’s overpriced in my opinion, and while this one may look old and a bit tacky, it works perfectly for the purpose I need it for, and it’s way cheaper. There are other digital typewriters and word processors out there as well, so if you’re also struggling with writing roadblocks that could be solved with a similar device, I suggest doing your own research to find the machine that’s right for you.

Sometimes the right brain hack solution for a roadblock can be a matter of finding the right gadget. I’ve only been using this thing for one day so far, and this is the first thing I’ve written on it besides a small test, so we shall see if it will stand the test of time… Otherwise known as withstanding the ADHD novelty factor wearing off after a while.

Yours under the California Blue Oaks,

/|\ Kendria

Header image by Annie Spratt.

How Ketamine Helped Me Have a Meditation Breakthrough

Content Warning: This post discusses substances that are not legal in all jurisdictions. The use of ketamine is legal where I live, and I only use it under the care of medical professionals and with the help of a trained guide. I do not condone or recommend the use of any substances which are illegal where you live, or the use of ketamine or any other psychedelics without the guidance of a medical professional and guide or therapist.

Having a neurodivergent brain, specifically an ADHD one, can make it difficult to meditate. Meditation is a big part of Druidry, and is a great practice for mental and physical health in general. My main issue is that I’ve never been able to quiet my racing thoughts. I know that it’s not necessary to clear your mind completely of all thoughts when meditating, but I would like to at least keep them from screaming at me and pulling me in a million different directions at once. I could sometimes calm my mind if I gave it a focus like listening to the words of a guided meditation or if I had something to fidget with, but without those aids, forget it!

As mentioned in my previous post about medications, I’ve recently started Ketamine therapy. My first session was underwhelming, probably because I started out on a low dose due to my history of being sensitive to any kind of substance. We increased my dose for the second session, and I think it was just right. During this second session, I experienced something I’ve never experienced before… a quiet mind! For once in my life, the inner voices just floated there quietly instead of zooming around and tugging at me. It’s like they went from the usual noisy chatter to mostly silent with the occasional muted whisper. It didn’t last very long, but it was a nice feeling.

After the session ended I thought “well that was nice, but it would be great if I could do that without being in a session.” And I went about my life as usual. Then a few days later, when I went to meditate, I thought “I still remember how it felt when my mind was quiet. Let’s try to do that again.” And sure enough, my brain remembered how to do it! It’s like my brain had to feel it to believe it and know how to get there again. Now that I knew it was possible, I could go back to that when I wanted to!

There are still times when I just can’t get my mind to be that quiet again, and it does require some work and to be in the right headspace for it, but I am so relieved that it’s actually a possibility for me now.

Yours under the Blue Oaks,

/|\ Kendria

Header image by Elias.

Spring, Too Much Awen?

I have always been very connected to the seasons. It’s part of the reason why I feel so at home with Druidry. In the winter, I become withdrawn and often depressed. But in Spring, I am absolutely and almost painfully bursting with life, energy, and creative fertility. I feel as though I’ve hit a geyser of inspiration, motivation, and creativity but I have no vessel or focus to contain it or do anything useful with it. It’s very frustrating. I sometimes feel like I’ve overdosed from Cerridwen’s cauldron.

In case you’re unfamiliar with Awen, there’s a great article that explains it pretty well on OBOD’s website druidry.org.

While generally Awen is a good thing, you know what they say about too much of a good thing. My ADHD sends me in every possible direction at the same time and I can’t settle on just one. Or even get started toward any of them. I want to sing and make music, but I need to learn how to make music. But I also want to paint and make art, but I need to take the time to set up the art supplies and make space in my office for it. But I can’t do that because I need to clean my office first. But I also want to work on this blog, but I can’t think of what to write next because I want to write EVERYTHING! But I have so many books to read, I really should read them. But but but…

And I’m certain this is all just my ADHD coupled with the upswing in energy and mood coming out of winter due to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Studying Druidism has just given me a new perspective on it.

What do you do when you want to do everything? How is there time for everything? And even if there was time, how do you decide what to do first? How do you decide what to do with the time you do have? When I have the structure of my work day, I can easily decide what to do. Though it’s difficult to focus on work when my brain is frolicking in the fields and dreaming about writing songs and painting my feelings and building some new invention and my next business idea and on and on forever. I have an abundance of want and a deficit of focus or ability to get anything done.

Anyways, I just needed to get that out and I figured this is the best place for it. Hey, that means I was able to complete more than one post on this blog! Progress!!

Header image by Ronny Overhate.


Contextual Update August 18, 2023:
This post was originally written when I first started this blog and had only intended for it to be a personal blog. I’ve kept it intact for historical reference, but this is now a community blog with multiple contributors.

Hello, I’m Kendria. I have ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), and I’m a Druid. Welcome to my blog! I’ve never been very good at keeping blogs in the past because, well, ADHD. But the difference now is that I didn’t know that I had ADHD before. So now that I know, I can hopefully figure out how to get past the roadblocks that were holding me back before.

Who is This Blog For?

This blog is mostly for myself, to document my journey at this point in my life. I find that if I try to blog specifically for an audience, I overthink things and then get frustrated, feeling like I’m letting everyone down. But this is also for anyone who is neurodivergent and on the Druid path, or maybe seeking insight from this perspective.

This will definitely be a very personal blog, so don’t expect any great pearls of wisdom or advice, at least at the beginning. There will be a lot of inner dialogue and there may not seem to be any clear sense of direction. I probably won’t be very consistent with my posts, but I am going to try my very best to write at least one post per month. Once per week would be ideal, but I’m trying to set realistic expectations here.

There I went, veering off of the main question… I guess this blog is for anyone who finds this stuff interesting and wants to follow along with me in my quest.

What is The Goal of This Quest?

When I turned 40 a few months ago, I set some goals for myself. I see myself as entering a new phase of my life and I am taking control of how I define this phase. I try to keep these goals in mind as I go on this journey of self-evolution.

Stop Caring So Much About What Others Think

My life so far has been ruled by worrying about how I appear to others. As others with ADHD and/or ASD know well, masking is huge, and usually expected. We get so good at masking that we no longer know who we are. We have been rejected for being who we are, and have learned to conform ourselves to what we are expected to be. At this point, I just want to be myself and learn to deal with the fact that who I really am will not appeal to everyone. Some people in my life may not like it, and that’s okay. And part of this is learning who I really am underneath this mask I’ve been wearing most of my life.

Learn to Love Myself

This definitely ties into the first goal. I have taken past rejections very personally and learned to feel that I’m not enough. I have always felt inadequate because I just could never live up to how “normal” people look and act. Being a woman with all the unrealistic beauty standards in the media has definitely made me feel physically inadequate too. As I work on not caring as much about what others think, I will in turn learn to be more forgiving to myself, which will eventually lead to me accomplishing the goal of loving myself.

Discover My Spirituality

I have never been a religious person. I’ve been an atheist most of my life. I’ll go into more detail about all my spiritual phases in a later post. For now, I’ll just say that lately I’ve felt like my life was missing something. My search to find a religion or spirituality that aligns with my beliefs and values has lead me to Druidry. I’ll also go into what exactly led me there and why I chose Druidry in a later post. For now I’ll just say that it completely fits me and I have come to realize that I’ve been a Druid my whole life but never had a name for it until now.

You may be thinking: “haven’t you already completed this goal?” Well, yes and no. I have discovered which spiritual path I’d like to follow, but I still have to follow it. I need to prove to myself that I can follow through in my Druidic studies and that this isn’t just another one of my many hyperfixations that I will eventually drop when I find a new one.

So, Welcome to My Blog!

I hope that you find it enlightening, entertaining, or whatever you need to get from it. And if not, that’s okay because that just means it’s not for you. I wish you well on your path, wherever it may lead you.

/|\ Kendria

Header Image by Deborah Hudson.

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